personal blog

my life is just a slow train crawling up a hill

So, this strange feeling of loneliness got better day by day, and now that it’s the end of the weekend it’s definitely gone. And now I can finally concentrate on university stuff and studying - or at least I should, I just can’t motivate myself to learn and revise everything. Either that, or I am too tired. I have to pull myself together! 
Missing ‘my’ boy doesn’t help either. I don’t even know if he is ‘my’ boy or my boyfriend whatever, and I don’t want to miss him. But I do want him to text me. Seems logic, right? It’s also weird, that we haven’t talked neither about what happened the last time we met nor about whether we are a couple now. I actually don’t think, that he will do the first step and ask me to talk about it, and I don’t want to do the first step. Vicious circles everywhere.

I think I’m breaking down again

Two days ago, I came back home after visiting my parents and I start to feel lonely again. I just got used to have people around me too fast. And now that I am alone in my apartment, it’s like I’m out of my element and I don’t like this feeling of endless emptiness and also of pain and sadness. Going back to university is quite helpful, though. My friends there are distracting me, and it’s often a lot of fun with them. But when I come back home in my deserted, dark and quiet apartment, it seems that nothing changed and I get kinda depressed again. I really hope this will end very soon. I don’t like this. I don’t want this. Otherwise this weekend will be very very hard to endure.

when there’s nothing left to say.

I still think about this guy who died in a car crash. I mean, it feels so wrong when someone your age dies. It’s just too soon, he was so young. He should’ve have the opportunity to start a family, have children and watch his grand-children grow up. But now he can’t. When you are young, you think you are unbreakable, that nothing can really hurt you or even kill you. Your only sorrows are (or might be) just about school or work or some other meaningless stuff. And then a person, who you did not even know that much, dies and you feel concerned, because you realize that you will never be able to see or talk to this person ever again, that you have no chance to get to know him better, and you start to think about how his family and friends might feel, and how he felt, whether he was afraid or had any pain and what he was thinking about in his last moments and it’s this uncertainty which makes you feel all this suffering and angst. When your life was even slightly touched by a human being you cannot not feel pain. When you are young, you don’t want to think about death, but now you are somehow forced to do so. It makes you think about the way you might die, it makes you think about whether you are enjoying and appreciating your life in every possible way.

oh well.

Yesterday, my boy came over, because he wanted to talk about “us”. We actually didn’t talk that much, we were busy kissing. Oh well. I really like him, and he obviously likes me. But somehow we are not able to talk about whether we have a relationship or not. 
Yesterday, I was also told, that a guy I knew died in a car accident. I was shocked. I talked to this guy last week and now he is gone. How could this happen? I still don’t know what to say.


I think, that one boy I like, he might like me, too. And now I am like really nervous and afraid again, that I’m not capable of having a relationship. I need my best friend to talk to, but she is in vacation now, and we have no possibility to message each other. Damn, i really really miss her.

so let’s start..

Yeah, so, it’s 2013 (the world obviously didn’t end on 21st of december 2012, what a surprise) and I kinda have the need to write. Anything. So I just thought, I might use my second tumblr to pour my emotions, thoughts and all this shit in this emptiness. I’m quite sure no one will really read this anyways. Who cares. 

Right now, I’m listening to some music and I feel the urge to dance, but I can’t or I shouldn’t, because I have a pleurisy, so I have to rest which means no dancing, no running, just staying in bed and being absolutely bored. That’s maybe one reason for me writing all this. Maybe I could read a nice book instead, but my fevered brain is not willing to remember the things I read properly. Anyways. You know, there is always a time, when a girl says: “There is this one boy I like..” an then the drama begins. Well, I am this girl. I’m not sure, if I want to write this whole story down and publish it here - at this point, probably no one could tell who I am. But it’s like going through everything again and again, and I don’t think that I can handle this now. Let’s just say, that I am very confused and that it very possibly will be me who ends up broken hearted. As always.

That’s it, for now. I’m gonna catch some sleep, fellas.
So long, X